Monster i am

The Banana Speaks.

Monster i am

I slept at 4 am in the morning... msning with her... my ex (i guess i have to call her that now) .... dishing out all the problems that lead us to this level ......

now i dont dare to look at my self in the mirror for long now..... inside it i dont know who he is now..... it is just a monster..... i lost all my former glory - fallen from grace .....

i became this ugly, paranoid, selfish, lousy, psycho monster... that treats my gf like a private property......

i am so disgusted with myself that i cannot feel anything now.... i cant focus.... i cant think ... i feel regret....

my eyes has not glare ..... so lifeless.....

this is not me .... IT ... is just a monster.....

all i want to do now is bury this monster.... nvr let lost to harm anymore people..... harm no more girls feelings and heart ...... even if it means not ever being loved again by any woman ......

i have to bury it ... i cant kill it cause i will kill myself .... bury it deep deep into the darkest chambers of my mind forever let it suffer with the infernos of hell.....

i shall not received pity nor forgiveness.... for the monster i created....

The Banana Have Spoken

Open up the cage pls...

The Banana Speaks

Open up the cage pls.

Well i admit i am super Possessive piece of f**k. well i guess i am insecure and lonely bah. which leads me into being a small tight cage for her...

i always love to spend time with her ... the only wish is for her to spend more time with me bah ....

well in a simple word i just cant get enough of her... so tight until she seem to cannot take a breather.....

well i guess i cannot be selfish ... she loves freedom ... desire the things she want...

i guess the view between us are different

i decided i have to let go ... open the cage up to let her fly ... i guess deep down i feel that she will bloom into a much more beautiful bird rather then now grounded and bounded by the cage ....

she is my first, will always always have a very special place in me....

i hope she will forgive me for all the things i have done to her ....

and only take the sweet memories of me with her .....

good bye......
good bye .....
good bye.....

i love you.
The banana have spoken......

sigh.....

The Banana Speaks.

Sigh.....

well its been so long since updated my block ..

well to keep it short cause i am not in a very good mood

super depress

my job sucks to the bottom good thing is that i finally know wat i wan

the PSA told me that i am techanically not strong enought to take up the tech officer post = your not fucking good enough to work in a goverment own company !

the other company gave me second interview but has yet called me up to set a date which i feel like shit. its like waiting for chinese new year to come but dont know when is chinese new year. + donno confirm will get ang bao anot.

makes you super itchy

i feel alone for the past 2 to 3 weeks.... who am i lying to its really 2 to 3 months
i feel so empty and scared cause .... i feel no love in my life no hugs no nothing ....

well its makes me sound like a girl .... but hey guys need hugs too u know ...

a whole lot of problems really comes to place where i just felt forgotten by this world...

feel like dying but yet i fear death so its like a toture.

i want to feel loved and some attention ....

The Banana Have Spoken

Well... Awaken

The Banana Speaks...

Well... Awaken....

I love mornings... no seriously i do love monrning but only when i wake up on my own time. but i love the 7 am morning.......

hate 6 am . thats not morning! its still night in my point of view....

The Banana have Spoken

Well then What i wan....

The Banana Speaks

Well then What i wan....

Well just finish my work around my office.... beginning to sit down and chill a bit while waiting for the damn office bell to go off...

started to think wat am i?

who am i? wats my purpose to be brought into this world?

it always freaks me out when i think of wat would i think when i am on my death bed.... yes i fear death.

yet i am fat and dont move about more..... irony laughs at me.

but well i am always being lectured by tyler and porky saying i alway stay in my safety zone. well they are right. i am glad they do that cause with my char dont think they would even bother to be friends with me if they just know me as a person.

People are mostly taught to be safe than sorry... well in my family that is.

get a good education
get a decent job
you know the tipical things

i admit i have responsibilties now as the eldest son i got to provide a bit for the family just because i am the oldest.

sigh..... many would think it so.

but hey if your parents work their ass off just to feed you and cloth you... you should jolly well feel its an honor to repay your parents' debt.

thats the first prior i guess
be stable.

but there is another side of me that clashes with this responsibility

the i want to see the world dream. i wan freedom to do what i always wan.

well guess thats going to wait.

i am lucky that i dont smoke nor drink...
but yet i am still poor

all the money just simply went into my stomach
i guess you can say food is my drug i LOVEEEEE food

but thats my down fall too.

so now this is what i am gonna do if i like food really really much, i must keep the end of the bargain of a healthy and long life. which is to keep fit.

not a very hard thing to do right?
hahaha
well i hope that 6 months from now when i read this entry i can say " well i keep my half of the bargain and kept fit"

about life it self ... i do hope i can more out of my safety zone....
honestly i have no fucking idea how to do it.

i remember 3 years ago the 3 of us went out at clake quay and had that talk... well 3 years now i think the goals i made, i did.

got a diploma

now i cant depend on porky and tyler to give me any more clues or directions on wat i can be.

they have their life to go on and i got mine....
i admit i think totally differently from those 2 . almost oppsite .
but i am thankful...

i am 25 going 26 ...
cant always be a child right?


Throw the ego away but keep the pride....
Do what you got to do for now
and believe something good is going to come in the future.

The Banana have Spoken